In my role as Clinical Lead for Know Your Mind I talk to a lot of HR directors about the struggle of trying to look after the mental wellbeing of their teams while battling with the prevailing culture of long hours, presenteeism and burnout. Most of the time what I hear is that they have already put a lot of support in place to support parents returning to work after parental leave. In fact the perinatal mental health programmes at some organisations are epic. The problem? No one is uses them.
As a Clinical Psychologist, this does not surprise me. People who are struggling with their mental health in the perinatal period will "opt themselves out" of available support for many reasons most of them linked to the shame that new parents often experience. You can read more about that here.
So, if we know that parents that are struggling with their mental health are not likely to proactively seek help, but we want to avoid losing them to stress-related illness or burnout, then we need to teach managers how to support them proactively before they ask for help. Often it is good to have this kind of check in when someone is returning to work after parental leave but it is important to be vigilant for signs that someone is struggling and reach out at those times too.
What if I make it worse when I try to talk about perinatal mental health?
Talking about mental health can be a tough thing to do. Managers often worry that they will "say the wrong thing" or "make them feel worse" especially if they know a colleague has been through something traumatic and outside of their own experience such as severe postnatal depression or the loss of a child. In fact, there are some things you can say that are deeply unhelpful. The following phrases should be banned in my humble opinion:
"I know what you are going through" (when you definitely don't)
"All babies are difficult" (when actually they vary enormously)
"These things pass" (true but it may not feel like it at all)
"You've just got to...." (it really doesn't matter what comes next, it can only go wrong from here).
What all of these statements have in common is that they invalidate the experience of the parent in front of you and they are likely to inhibit someone from speaking up about their own experience or asking for what they need.
How to talk about perinatal mental health with new parents
So how can a line manager or colleague broach the subject of mental well-being with a parent they think may be struggling? Here are some simple rules that help make those conversations as smooth and productive as possible.
Plan your moment. Find a time and a place to talk where you are both likely to feel calm and able to speak freely.
Regulate yourself. Many issues relating to perinatal mental health touch on painful experiences we have in our own lives. If you feel distressed by a topic take some time to look after yourself, maybe a walk to clear your head, a brief mindfulness practice or talking to a trusted manager. If you know that you can't talk about this topic just yet without becoming upset it is absolutely OK to find someone else to delegate to. Even as a Clinical Psychologist with many years of experience, there are still some things I cannot work with and will pass to a colleague. That is good management.
Listen much more than you speak. Ask open questions and use active listening and reflection skills to show your colleague that their experiences really matter to you.
Don't be afraid to name the issue. There are certain, awful experiences that we term "unspeakable." Loss of a child, baby loss, disability, and birth trauma fall into this category for many of us. Partly this is because we worry that by speaking about it we will unlock a terrifying wave of emotion that we cannot deal with. Partly it is because we are avoiding having to think about the true horror someone has been through. You cannot show empathy and compassion for something that you cannot name. Realistically you can be sure that they are thinking about their trauma or grief anyway so you naming it is unlikely to make them feel worse. Try asking a simple open question such as "I am so sorry that your baby died. Would you like to talk about them?" Some people will say yes, others will say no but you have shown them that it is safe to talk and that goes a long way to lifting the shame that prevents someone accessing help. If you know the name of the person who has passed please use it, we consistently hear from bereaved parents that they wish their child's name was spoken more often.
Don't feel the need to give advice or have all the answers. You aren't a therapist and you may not have dealt with many of these situations before. You do not need to provide advice. Sharing your own experience may be helpful if you are empathising with an emotion (eg. "I also found it hard to talk about when I suffered with postnatal depression") but the things that worked for you or your friend may not work for your colleague so try to keep advice out of this conversation. Your job is about listening, signposting and committing to help them access whatever support your company has available.
Take committed action. Where possible have the support offered by the company at your fingertips and make it as easy as possible for your colleague to access them. If that means filling out forms for them, asking HR for more information, making sure there is time available in their diary for them to get support, then that is what you have to do. Agree to timescales and deadlines and follow through.
All of the principles here are based on the principles and research behind Compassion Focussed Therapy (you can read more about it here). Essentially we are aiming to ensure your colleague feels supported and safe to enable them to make good use of the excellent supports many companies already have in place.
Further support and training for line managers
If you feel managers in your workplace would benefit from some training around talking about mental health we offer line managers training in our KIND communication framework. This simple and effective tool ensures managers are able to proactively support colleagues who are struggling with confidence.
Book a call with me (Dr Rosie) to discuss how we could work with your organisation.
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